The Secret Sauce of Software Engineering

How Respect and Connection Make Your 1-1s and Feedback Work

What really makes a 1-1 work is the human connection, not just having an agenda. I've sat through my share of software engineering meetings that felt like "death by Slides" or endless status updates. From these experiences, I realized that effective feedback and good 1-1s only work when there's real respect and a genuine connection.

It's not just about the words we use. What matters is the connection we have when we say them.

The Power of a Common Bond

Constructive feedback works best when there is sambādha, which Swami Nalinanand Giri, a Hindu Sanyasi Guru, describes as a "Common Bond" or "Connection."

Sambādha "Common Bond" is the basic link that builds trust, understanding, and openness between people. - Swami Nalinanand Giri

I first heard about this idea a few years ago in one of his talks. Since then, I've realized that feedback is only truly effective when there's a real connection built on respect and empathy.

A lot of us skip this important step. We start giving feedback before building a connection, and that often leads to doubt and skepticism. (Khadpe et al., 2021)

I've dreaded team meetings or 1-1s and sometimes hoped they would be canceled just to avoid the "torture" of pretending things are moving forward. To change this, we should focus on building connections through shared interests and goals. Even for remote or hybrid teams, fostering these connections is crucial. Consider virtual coffee chats or shared online activities to bridge the gap and bring team members closer together. Meeting on a park bench instead of in a formal office can also make a big difference in how we connect.

How Feedback Has Evolved

Feedback used to be handled with much less care.

The "Boss Knows Best" Era: In the early 20th century, feedback was a dusty annual report focused on obedience. It was a top-down, rigid military style where employees had little input. (Performance appraisal, n.d.) (Taylor, 1911)

Management by Objectives: By the mid-20th century, Peter Drucker suggested that managers and employees set goals together. This encouraged more collaboration, even if it wasn't perfect. (Management by Objectives, 2025)

The 360-Degree Revolution: Over time, feedback started to include peers and customers. This gave a more complete view of performance and put more focus on teamwork, not just productivity. (Research, 2023)

But none of these changes matter if our own 1-1s don't work.

My Playbook for the Modern 1-1

I see the modern 1-1 as more than a status report. For me, it's a "growth lab." Here's how I approach them:

Consistency matters: I set up regular check-ins, usually 30 to 60 minutes each week or every other week, to build trust and rapport.

Own the Agenda: This is your time. I encourage team members to bring their own challenges, wins, and aspirations to the table.

Focus on Growth: We prioritize career paths and smashing roadblocks over "grilling" someone for perfection.

Create a Safe Space: Psychological safety is essential. (Santana et al., 2025) I try to listen more than I talk, so people feel safe sharing mistakes or concerns.

Shared Knowledge: We write down our goals and key actions together, so we have a record to look back on.

Making Feedback an "Energy Multiplier"

When feedback is done well, it should give us energy, not drain it. I use a few frameworks to keep things fair and productive:

The "Painting" vs. The "Painter"

One of the most important lessons I've learned is to separate the action from the person. Think of it this way: give feedback on the painting so the painter can improve. Swami Nalinanand Giri shared this insight during an event focused on fostering togetherness.

The SBI Framework

To keep feedback fair and avoid personal bias, I use the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model: (Situation-Behavior-Impact Feedback Model, 2025)

Situation: "In our recent project update..."

Behavior: "...you didn't submit the task on the agreed date..."

Impact: "...which delayed our timeline by a week."This keeps the conversation focused on actions and effects rather than personal attributes.

The Foundation of Trust

In the end, I've found that all these tools need a foundation of transparency and genuine care for each other. For me, that means fostering psychological safety and avoiding micromanagement.

I use regular check-ins as a space where we can talk openly, solve problems, and be clear about what we need. I also find it helpful to set simple ground rules—like listening actively and respecting different views—to keep our trust strong.

I try to lead by sharing my own vulnerabilities. Once, I shared a story about a mistake I made on a past project, and it immediately made the team feel safer sharing their own challenges. While I prefer direct, open talk over anonymous surveys, I think they are a useful tool for sensitive moments or for helping everyone feel heard. By creating a shared language and a culture of respect, we ensure that nothing gets "lost in translation."

Bonus Material

I will share some templates in my next post.

References

Khadpe, P., Kulkarni, C. & Kaufman, G. (2021). Empathosphere: Promoting Constructive Communication in Ad-hoc Virtual Teams through Perspective-taking Spaces. arXiv preprint arXiv:2111.13782. https://doi.org/10.48550/arXiv.2111.13782

Taylor, F. W. (1911). Scientific Management. Harper & Brothers. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientific_management

Research, G. (October 9, 2023). Peer Feedback Boosts Employee Performance. Gartner. https://www.gartner.com/smarterwithgartner/peer-feedback-boosts-employee-performance

Santana, B., Monte, L., Silva, B. S., Carneiro, G., Freire, S., Santos, J. A. & Mendonça, M. (2025). Psychological Safety in Software Workplaces: A Systematic Literature Review. Information and Software Technology 187. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infsof.2025.107838

(2025). Situation-Behavior-Impact Feedback Model. University of Alabama at Birmingham. https://www.uab.edu/humanresources/home/images/LearnDev/PerformanceMgmt/_Tools.Learning.STAFF/Feedback_Model_SBI.pdf

(n.d.). Performance appraisal. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Performance_appraisal

(2025). Management by Objectives. MBA Brief. https://www.mbabrief.com/what_is_management_by_objectives.asp